Black & White
To catch the eye & delight the mind
Words, Words, Words
The pleasure's all mine, I'm sure.
Cold stone, cold blooded.
If I want raisins, I'll damn well ask for them.
All butter, all the time.
Coming Soon: "Spud in a Satchel"
That's more Squatch for your money right there.
Well there's nothing amateur about this tub of dipping pretzels I've got here at the ready.
"Step aside, extra large Pecan Halves: NOT BIG ENOUGH."
Paul Newman ain't the only dressing game in town, that's for DAMN sure.
"Tired of the old new you?"
I hear Pernis is moving in next door.
Why weren't Vincent van Goat and Jackson Poll-quack invited?
Roger that: CAN BAN is in effect.
I feel safer already.
Looks like somebody drank a little too much Markers Mark and Jim Bean before typing up this sign…
Thanksgiving just got EDGY.
Chickens & Chuckles
But…now it's not…
"Yes, hi: I'd like some feetless meat please."
Coming Soon: "Gentle Zippers"
"Ah yes, an original Poopdick—one of his early works. I must admit, I do find his technique rather derivative of Cash4Smells' oeuvre."
Don't trek bak.
"Making litigation look goood."
"Need legal counsel? Here at Slutsky & Slutsky, we're just GIVING it away."
"For Dogs, By Dogs."
Careful now, sign: you're playing a very dangerous game.
I…don't believe you.
Zen and the art of paperless hand drying.
Good thing they wrote the warning: otherwise I'm peeing on cardboard, and that's a guarantee.
KUM ON: are we serious with this name?
Is Clark ok with this?
Kindly please RSVPunch.
Ah, yes: of the New England M'Junkins.
"SEX SELLS, they said. No one buys boring asexual popcorn anymore, they said."
Shame on you, Lobster Chef: so excited to be selling out your own kind.
Where do these lobsters keep getting culinary training?
Got that? SCRAM, asthmatics.
Good to know.
Honestly Octopus: put your eight-legged pants back on and get in a cab—you're embarrassing yourself.
Lookin' damn good.
"No, for the last time: it's WHIZ Cleaners, with an H. …But yes, we'll clean your wiz."
You go, Hussey!
So, just to be clear…you're telling me you don't sell any fish?
"Sure, I tried my hand at selling cars, but then I thought—Jimbo, why not sell what you know best: yourself."
I'll enjoy milk at a frequency that is comfortable for me, thank you very much.
Alert the authorities.
Get your gas…with a touch of class.
"And tell me again how you fractured both forearms?"
We hardly knew ye.
Bouncin' Baloney: it's December 31st!
Two for the price of fun.
That's EXACTLY what trash would say.
…and Corneas R We.
Take the compliment or take a hike.
Just to clarify: exactly how precious is this blood.
"For the Billy Crystal fan with an alcohol dependence."
Ask your therapist if a "Help Is On the Way" Button might be right for you.
We're all headed there.
A candidate who really spreads it around.
You better believe they mean business.
Seems like a trap…
"You want fancy or regular?"
Fed-Ex: WHO KNOWS!
YOU ship Argentina.
Stoner Courtyard made possible by a generous donation from the good people at Funyuns Corporation.
I did feel like my loafing was getting a bit pedestrian of late.
…Should we press charges?
"He was a great man, to be remembered always, and—HEY BUDDY, THAT'S MY SPOT OVER THERE, KEEP IT MOVIN'."
Do Eat-a DIS-steak!
Consider me very much afraid of added hormones if they risk summoning INFANT CHUCK NORRIS.
Way to know your limits, Fred.
"Honey, have you seen my Fuck hat? …No, my NICE one."
No worries here.
Oh, I see what you did there…very literal.
It's really poppin' in here, cowboy.
Yep, just the one.
Unparalleled punning too.
"Sure, for years we were just a porno operation, but then I said: 'Fellas, I think we can actually make a go of this.'"
Sweetbreads and Outdated Threads
When Truth & Cigarettes just won't cut it.
Try to be punctual.
Dewey Decimal needs an attitude adjustment.
Formerly: A Pretty Decent Plumber; Ideally: A Damn Fine Plumber
"Ronald Rooster, you will not BELIEVE what your son just said to me."
But to be fair, everything tastes jewel-licious once you're high on heels.
No one said it was a contest.
It's a wide, weird world out there, folks
Cold carts? NOT ON MY WATCH.
"Room for one more in that Surf 'n' Turf?"
"Truck full of mannequin parts? Yeah, we got that."
"Baked Clams, Small Hands: That's the Joey Promise"
Ya hate to see that happen.
Now Safe To Walk to a Jimmy Buffet concert.
Have yourself a merry little Carb-mas.
"Yeah, gimme some scallops, a few clams, and—let's see… throw in a sea beast."
Sesame Street ain't big enough for the both of—OH, COME ON, SERIOUSLY?
Basket o' blooms…means bike ride o' bees.
Happy to see you too!
"This summer: Leatherface has finally met his match."
Big Ol' Boot? Yeah, we got that.
So: German Shepherds…encouraged?
See: saw a see-saw sign.
"Part Man, Part Balloon: ALL WHIMSY."
Don't even think of getting up in her grill.
We recommend you keep your Jesus sealed to lock in freshness.
Terrace Heiress, most likely.
Headless Hurls-man, more like.
For an added flair, stripe your stair.
"Hydrant Hats: Don't Blow Your Lid"
Please: my mother was a red hydrant. I am EXPRESSING MYSELF.
Owl, go home: you are too high.
"No, I'm the OTHER Bear Grills."
Bolts 'n' bears, bears 'n' bolts.
"And so the cartoon bear chef community branded him with a scarlet 'B'…and he took it remarkably well."
"Uh, heya Buck: I think we hit something back there." "KEEP DRIVING."
"Mom…WHERE'S my racecar bed…"
"Trustworthy. Delicious. Uncle Dan's Ice Cream Van"
Vincent VAN Gogh
Vincent Van: GO!
Sometimes you need a rest mid-tree climb. And for those times, choose Chair-Up-There.
Oh, I see. Never mind.
Don't you EVER stick your tongue out at me, door.
Oh, sorry! Did I startle you?
Looks pretty terrified for a security system…
He's…in a pickle.
A rare sighting of the field goal uprights in their natural habitat.
Let's just hope nobody goes for two.
"Bidet? …uh, sure, we got one of those…"
Airships need lighthouses too, you guys.
Mail Cat is underwhelmed by your parcels.
They met on CitrusSingles.com.
Dude, you've got some seeds in your tee—y'know what, nevermind, you're good.
If he keeps on partying at this rate he'll never make it into Calzone College.
Yoga is WAY easier when you have a miniature version of yourself there for support.
"Frankly, m'dear, I don't give a yam."
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Black & White